Wow! I cannot believe it is that time to celebrate our daughter's 2nd birthday. Our little one's birthday is tomorrow. As I put her to bed tonight, she was giggling, pointing to me and she kept saying mama over and over again. She had the cutest little twinkle in her eye and I could see her smile beaming from underneath her binky. Oh how I love this little girl!!! I of course started thinking, and reflecting. I cannot believe tomorrow is her 2nd birthday--her first birthday with our family. I am so excited to celebrate her tomorrow. I feel torn right now and am so thankful that I can process it through. Right now I feel like my heart is torn. The one part of me is so excited to spend tomorrow with my little birthday girl and then the other part of my heart is aching. Aching for her mother. I cannot help but think of her a lot right now. I just cannot imagine what she may be thinking and wondering. She has to remember giving birth to her daughter 2 years ago. Right? You just cannot forget about that. I know I would never be able to forget. My heart hurts because I know she may be hurting remembering this week two years ago. She was anticipating her little ones birth only to find that she couldn't keep her. Seeing my girls when they were born I cannot imagine what it must have been like for her waiting to find out what the sex was of the baby and if it had any special needs or not. I cannot imagine knowing I would have to give my baby away or leave her somewhere hoping that someone would find her and take her somewhere where she would be cared for. She had her for a few days before Piper was abandoned. I know her eyes were what melted my heart when I first saw her picture. I know that they must have melted hers too. With all of the excitement I am struggling with what she does not get to see or hear. My heart aches because she does not get to see the smile I get to see. She does not get to hear her call her mama like I do. She does not get the sweetest hugs and kisses like I get. She does not get to hear her call mama from her crib when she wakes up like I do. She does not get hear the words I love you like I do. She does not get to see her giggle and have fun while she is enjoying life like I do. She does not get to see how much she loves her sisters like I do. There are so many things that she will never get to see. I pray that God would give her peace and a sense that her daughter is with our family and very much loved. Recently I started praying this new prayer for her mother after I had the chance to discuss some of what I am feeling with my daughter's birthday and how I was conflicted being excited and then also heartbroken for her mother. My friend shared that she prays for her daughter's mother that God would send someone into her life that would share the gospel with her and that she would be saved and see her daughter in heaven. I never thought of it that way. I always thought of her adoption being final and that was it. So with that I started praying this for her mother. I pray that she can see her daughter again in heaven. So with this, I am going to end by writing a letter to my daughter's mother.
To My Daughters Mother,
I want you to know that I think of you often. I think about what you must have been like and what traits my daughter has that are from you. If she likes things that you may have liked. I wonder if her behaviors, her determined behavior comes from you. I wonder if her beautiful eyes came from you. Today especially I am thinking of you on our daughter's birthday. I want you to know that I am shedding tears because my heart aches that you had to endure what you did. My heart aches because you miss what I get to see and enjoy every day. I wish you could see what I get to see. I wish you could see what a special little girl Piper is. She is just the sweetest little thing. She is very determined, very smart, very loving, caring, has the cutest smile, just enjoys life and everything around her. You would be proud of her I know. I know the decision you had to make was one of the hardest you have ever had to do. I want to thank you for giving her life and a chance to have a family. I thank God every day that I get to be her mama. I know that before she was born God had a plan for her. I will be praying for you that God would give you peace and comfort that your little girl is with a family, very much taken care of and of course VERY loved. A piece of you will always be with me.
Thank you for the gift you gave me.
A (hot) day at the zoo
4 days ago